I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.