Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this