The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
those birds must be on payroll
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…