God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
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if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear