I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
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me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.