The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
You Might Also Like
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Guilty! 🤪
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher