Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast