[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?