[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
You Might Also Like
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.