Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
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Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I only treason on days ending in y
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian