Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
You Might Also Like
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Hell yeah 👍
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”