i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
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I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
#SuperBowl
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email