When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
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fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent