[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]