Mistakes were made
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Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
the three branches of government
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”