nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
You Might Also Like
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Just ordered me some pizza!
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.