“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
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My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Easy enough.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
That earthquake could have been an email.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*