“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
You Might Also Like
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
i was baptized in a car wash
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.