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She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
“I wouldn’t.”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME