Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
HERE’S MARKY
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food