Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.