It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat