I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air