Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
going to the ER y’all need anything
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.