smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
You Might Also Like
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Saw your ex at the shops
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.