Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
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Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you