Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
You Might Also Like
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.