My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies