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Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
(Gaming support cat.)
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I think we should hear other voices.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.