Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
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When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes