I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.