What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
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me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
me when i see my girls butt
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE