There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me