I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
tell em, edith-anne
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout