hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
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Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched