God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on