Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
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wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
This is my bus stop.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
my dog when i have a friend over
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother