I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I think they could have phrased this better
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.