Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I wish I were this cool 😂
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?