Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
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2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
My flabber has been gasted.