“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
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A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.