My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
what it’s like dating me:
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣