My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I think I’ll stand
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?