Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
You Might Also Like
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know