Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
These work great until they don’t.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Growing up was a huge mistake
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.