It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
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*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Banana is the quietest snack
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Best spot.. 😅
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does