“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.