Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
You Might Also Like
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that