Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
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Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword