4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
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Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Catercrombie & Fish
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left